Staring Fear Straight In Its Stupid Face

I want to be honest, I faltered. I let my fears consume my mind and I began to doubt my capability and right to write. I began to look for permission to write from somewhere, or someone, else. I let my fears control my happiness by allowing them to wedge in between myself and my passion: this blog. I lost control of my thoughts and they trailed off into horrible questions like..

"Who actually cares to read this?"

"Am I making myself look stupid?"

"Who do I think I am, writing a blog?" (as if you need to be an expert..)

I started focusing on the people that may not like what I'm doing, and lost sight of the many people that do. I started to compare, and tell myself that there are a million others doing exactly what I'm doing, why should I even try? What is making me different? 

But ultimately, I lost sight of the reason why I began this in the first place: for me.

Because it brings me purpose. Because it brings me happiness. Because I love to share. And the only permission I should be seeking is my own. 

And yeah, there are a billion people doing this, but what makes me different is that this is MY blog, these are MY stories and these are MY words; nobody else can write them. That's more than enough to make what I am doing different. 

I went two full weeks without getting up in the morning to write. And do you want to know how I felt?

Hopeless, guilty, and scared.

But morning after morning, my fear played big spoon and refused to let me out of bed to write, even though that's what I knew I needed to do. Re-read how I described what I felt: hopeless, guilty, scared. Sound familiar? Those are all of the words I used to describe how I felt in my very first blog post, when I was at my breaking point and finally decided to write out of disparity. I was letting fear control my life then, just like I let it control my life these past two weeks. And when I decided to make this change four months ago, face my fears, and wake up to write every. single. morning, those feelings VANISHED. Isn't that wild? 

This might be a bold statement, but I think that I have been dimming my shine in order to fly below the radar, and I have been living in fear of being too shiny. THAT is what caused me my unexplained sadness for the past 12 years. It wasn’t what was happening to me that made me sad, it's what WAS NOT happening to me. Not following my heart and my passions. 

I think we tend to dim our shine because we don't want to make others feel uncomfortable, we don't want to set ourselves up for failure, we don't want to be seen as "different". So we prevent ourselves from following the passions, hobbies, or interests that even slightly veer from social norms or what we were raised to believe. This only leads to internal struggle, restlessness, and a yearning for something more that leaves us feeling empty. 

Follow your passions, even when you're scared. Shine bright even when those around you aren't; it's contagious, and they'll start to shine too.

So guess what I did to remedy all of this and ensure that I don't go AWOL again. I bought myself a domain, and I am calling my site Lynn Weekly. Three reasons:

1. Maybe people will start thinking my last name is Weekly and that could be dope.

2. If you like my posts, now you know they'll be coming at you weekly.

3. It holds ME accountable to post weekly (because sometimes you just gotta trick yourself into things).

I've already taken one break from this, and this was my second. I don't think it's a good look. Don't worry, I'm being kind to myself and acknowledging and understanding why I took the break, but I am making a promise to myself to not let it happen again. In my hardest moments, compromising what I love shouldn't be an option. This should be the thing that gets me through my hard times. 

Is it really over-the-top for me to keep saying that this blog has changed my life? I hope that if it sounds a little nuts to you, that you find something that brings you your purpose, your happiness, and changes your life; because I do think we all have something within us of that caliber. Maybe you've found it, maybe it takes a lifetime to tap into. I will say though, that you can fast-track tapping into it by never letting fear get in the way like I did for many years.  

I will consider the pre-domain phase of this blog as my 'soft launch'.. I was just testing the waters, ya know? There is still a lot for me to do and I am chipping away and getting used to this whole realm of my life, because it needs a ton of work. I could keep it hidden and perfect it before I continue on and fully 'release' it, but maybe it will be fun for everyone to see how it evolves. 

As I've written many times before, thank you for reading if you've made it this far. And thank you for allowing me to do what I love without completely destroying me for it, and welcome to Lynn Weekly!

Lynn