Home Is A Feeling

I think my favourite thing about writing this blog is receiving messages from friends, family, acquaintances, and even strangers sharing their stories and telling me that they relate to what I am saying. It has made me feel not so alone and it makes me over-the-moon happy to hear when someone says that my posts help them to not feel alone. That was my goal from the beginning and the reason I continue on. 

This felt quite personal to write, but I am curious to know if anyone else feels or has felt this way. If you do, send me a message, let's chat about it. It's something that has nagged at me for, well, my entire life. Unlike so many of my posts recently, I'm not the one with the tips and life-hacks, I'm the one asking for them.

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I've never felt at home.

I remember as a kid, I would sometimes feel like a stranger in my own home and around my own family. I would physically get a sinking feeling in my stomach every so often and look around wondering why I couldn't get comfortable.. why my room looked like someone else's.. why I felt like I couldn't reach into my own pantry for a snack.. why I sometimes would look at my mum and think "Why does this woman want to hang out with me?" It wasn't that I didn't have the resources or love I needed, in fact, I felt immense love, support, and connection to my parents. That's why this feeling left me empty and very confused, especially as a child. I was as young as six when this started, so I guess I've felt this as far back as I can remember. 

I've felt this way in every place I've lived. I've moved seven times since the apartment I was born in. 

When I finally moved into my very own apartment over a year ago, I would spend almost every Sunday (Sundays have always been hard for me for some reason) sitting at my kitchen table thinking that this isn't where I belong.. this isn't my home.

Before moving in, I spent six months shopping and collecting everything I wanted to put in my new place. I literally spared no expense because I thought of this as my shot to finally feel at home, and I wanted to do everything in my power to make it finally feel so. I filled my apartment with new appliances, furniture, decor, scents, linens etc. and created something I was proud of and something that reflected me. Yet, the feeling remained. 

I thought for certain that once I was in my own place I would feel at home. I thought, maybe i didn't feel at home when I was younger and living with my parents because it wasn't truly MY space.

It's almost indescribable to feel this way. The best way I can sum it up is to say I feel like I haven't reached my destination yet, so I'm not allowed to get comfortable.

I suppose I place a lot of value (mostly subconsciously) on my ultimate destination feeling like "home".

I think I link success with the feeling of home, and since I am not completely successful in my mind, I do not feel at home yet.

I feel quite fraudulent at times, like the things I have and the "home" I've created shouldn't be mine; I don't deserve it and I don't know how I even acquired it.

That's a jumbled hot mess of an explanation, I told you it's indescribable. 

As an adult I place A LOT of value on "home" and my dwelling. I want my home to be a safe place and a sanctuary. Every wall, corner, floor, and ceiling should bring me joy when I look at it. I guess the big question here is when will that happen for me?

Do I need a shift in mentality?

Am I not seeing something that is right in front of me?

Maybe, once I purchase my own home I can finally settle?

Maybe, I'll find a home if and when I share it with a partner?

Maybe, I'll find a home when I have children because I will be creating a home for them (one sooooo warm because of my fear for them to ever feel this way)? 

All the ways I think I can finally feel at home are dependent on something or someone else.

But isn't that what people say? That home isn't a place, it's a feeling, and the people around you?

Well, what if I want to find home within myself? 

Lynn