Igniting My Spark: The SparkNotes Version of My Life

So far, you're likely wondering who I am to be lending advice and providing guidance about improving your life, achieving your goals, and overcoming obstacles. If you just met me, I probably appear like I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth. However, I have had to take the long, un-beaten path to most places. But, if there's one thing I'm good at, it is taking full responsibility for my mistakes and the choices I've made. You will never hear me directly blame my past or anyone else for my hardships. Yet, I know that there were things I experienced growing up that stunted my personal growth and opportunities, and have molded me into who I am today. 

I am sharing the following about me in order to earn your trust, even though this will be a SparkNotes version of my life. I want you to trust that I've come from a place of complete hopelessness and I have been able to climb about 3/4 of the way out so far. Trust that what I say I'm doing, I'm actually doing, so that you know I am speaking from experience. I feel like I need to share this in order to move forward with the plans I have to provide inspiration with a clear conscious and your understanding. 

So, here we go.. 

From birth to age nine, I can say I had it all, I felt like I had that silver spoon. My dad was my hero who taught me everything I know about sport, competition, and craftsmen-ship. I always thought of myself as the son he never had (he has four daughters), and in my early years I already knew how to set goals because my one and only goal was to make him proud. My mum was warm and nurturing, never letting me go to sleep without a hug and a kiss right on the lips. I was always safe when she was around, nothing could touch me. My older sister, only two years older than me, was my companion. My younger sister, seven years younger than me, came along and was the cutest little jelly bean that prompted a lot of my motherly instincts to come alive. Family vacations every summer, and family dinners every night.

Around age nine, we had to start dealing with a very daunting and unfortunate on-going situation that left us in a toxic home and struggling financially. I'm sure it would be helpful for me to explain the situation in more detail, but it's not my story to tell nor is it an easy one for most people to wrap their heads around. It was time for me to grow up quicker than planned. I began working at 12 as a babysitter, and when I was old enough at 15, I got a job at Tim Hortons. From then on, I was ultimately left to my own devices by my parents. Even though these were pivotal years for me and I needed guidance from them, I was the 'good kid' so their energy needed to be focused elsewhere. 

At 17, my family broke apart and it was like each one of us went in different directions. From my perspective, my dad couldn't, or didn’t want to, deal with everything and bounced. My mother, who tried her best, faced her own new challenges and struggled to divide her time between the responsibilities she was left with; which were A LOT of responsibilities. I had to understand that other things took priority, so I did my best to be strong and independent. 

I remember sitting in a shitty apartment we had to move into, using my last bit of money to pay for my college application, wondering "okay well how am I actually going to pay for college if I get in?" I didn't know how the student loan process worked, I had zero dollars saved, and I didn't care honestly. Applying to college was a formality at that point to appease myself and prove that I was on a good path.. the "right" path. I got accepted to a few programs but didn't do anything about it. I didn't have any insight into my future, I was just living my life day-to-day, moving from one part time job to the next. In hindsight, I could have been channeling my energy in better places. In hindsight I wish I asked for help. In hindsight I wish a lot of things. 

19-22 is a blur. I was so unhealthy. So unproductive. I didn't know, or care to see, that I was travelling down a dead end road. I didn't care to see beyond the present day.

At 22, I moved in with my boyfriend in a small town. I isolated myself from everyone and everything. I was probably in my worst place mentally, however, I tried to focus on getting physically healthy because I felt like that was the only thing in my control. I joined the gym, changed my diet, and made it my pet project because it gave me a sense of accomplishment. I started to believe that this is what life was going to be like from now on. Dreams? What dreams. I was ready to settle down and call it a day, so I tried to infiltrate into my surroundings and began working at the one and only Tim Hortons in town, and did that for three years. Weird side note, I have worked at six different Tim Hortons over my lifetime! I should be an honorary shareholder.  

At 24, something changed internally. I could feel this spark igniting inside of me, it seemed to come out of nowhere (but, truthfully, I always had this spark, I just never lit it). What I think happened is that I could finally start to see the dead end and it scared the shit out of me. What were my options? Turn around and go back down the same road? Post up in that very spot? Or get off the road completely and drive fast and furiously through the corn field until I got somewhere I wanted and needed to be? I chose the corn field. 

From then on, I've been an unstoppable force to be reckoned with. No matter how many times others, or I, try to bring me down. In the past four years I have learned so much about myself, my values, and my priorities. It's a roller coaster comprised of more lows than highs right now, but I continue to experiment with different things until I find the secret sauce that works for me. I am nowhere close to where I ultimately want to be, but unlike before, there is no dead end.

As much as I struggled, and regardless of how many wounds are still open presently, I am thankful for everything that has happened; for making me the powerhouse I am. By the way, you can still be strong as hell but sensitive and empathetic. Don't mistake your tears and feelings for weakness.

You hear it all the time, it's never too late to start again. I am physical proof if you're looking for a testimonial. 

P.s. I’ve had two close friends who know every gritty detail of my life read this before I posted. They both encouraged me to expand on my experiences if I am comfortable. Right now, I’m not. There would be a lot of people's permission I would have seek in order to talk about most of it, and I am not here to blame or expose anyone. The message here is that you could come up to me and say “I’ve struggled, and now I’m getting better” and that’s all I would need to hear in order to support you. The details can be irrelevant when we ALL have had hardships. 

One day I might seek permission to talk more about certain people in my life that have impacted me. That day will probably be when I decide to write a book, because the stories are endless. 

Lynn M.