I Am Ready to Take Control

I am starting psychiatric therapy on my 28th birthday.

I didn’t plan for that exactly, it just so happened it was the first available date; but I think one of my most common phrases is “The Universe is weird.” I say that with the utmost respect to the Universe - it truly amazes me.

I suppose this will be the “fresh start” I’ve been looking for. What better way to enter my 28th year than with some top shelf mental health?

I don’t want to delve too deep into my past with mental health issues, that’s not the main point of this post. I will say that I’ve been struggling since I was 19. It’s ironic, because I’ve only collected more symptoms over the years, but I have found more ways to combat them. Whereas when I was in my early 20’s, I had ZERO coping mechanisms and my life was spiraling pretty badly. I was losing friendships, jobs, and my self worth.

Things started to pick up when I went back to school at 24 years old for Event Planning. I found something I was good at, I was thriving unbelievably. My successes fuelled my confidence, my ego, my drive to live a healthy, fulfilling life. I knew what steps to take for success, and I followed them despite my fear and self-doubt. I looked pretty snazzy on the outside, however, I was still struggling internally. When things were still, when I was alone, the crying would start for reasons I could not explain. In addition to tears I felt this extreme amount of guilt. You know how you feel guilt right in the pit of your stomach, and it kind of tickles? And the tickle flows up your spine into your brain? That is one of the worst feelings for me. The ‘funny’ thing is, I had absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. I never did anything wrong.. In fact, was living my life to do everything right.

I’m lucky enough to have the wherewithal to remedy my mental health issues. I journal, I exercise, I eat healthy, I talk to friends about how I’m feeling (some pretty cliche stuff but it works). I really truly try to ‘cure’ myself. But, then I am alone, still, and the hopelessness, guilt, and fear attack me when I’m not expecting it.

And you know what? I am tired of trying to figure this out on my own. I tap away at myself almost daily, trying to uncover the underlying issues. I am not a professional, I don’t know the questions to ask myself. I am likely only making myself worse by asking myself the wrong questions. I am ready to take control of my mental health in every way possible.

As a disclaimer, I understand completely that what I am experiencing pales in comparison to what others deal with. I am so fortunate to be able to take the steps that I do to improve my mental health. I am a lucky one who is able to get out of bed in the morning.

When I was 17, I worked with a girl the same age as me at a bakery. She told me something I still tell myself to this day. “Everyone has their own ‘worst’. Everyone can only handle up to what their ‘worst’ has been.” We were 17 so we weren’t the most eloquent with our words, but I think you get the picture. Everyone has experienced their own personal “worst” and nobody has the right to tell anyone they can’t feel how they feel, or that their problems aren’t valid.

I’m going to use this platform as a way to express myself and my journey; and if what I write about inspires someone to take action, or makes one single person feel not so alone, that’s the motive.

Lynn M.