How Forgiveness Can Set You Free

About three months ago I had an interesting conversation with my sweet, sweet grandmother. I know everyone says they have the best grandparents, but please just give me a moment to humble-brag and say that I've never met a soul like her's; accepting of everyone and everything, with a kick-ass Scottish accent to boot. She is my favourite person on this planet, and it's because she's never hurt me or made me sad (except that time I spilled orange soda on her white carpet. Her smile only slightly faded that day). She is a cancer survivor and has been abducted by aliens.. twice!

Okay back to the story. About three months ago it started out as one of our typical conversations: how I'm doing, if I've done any travelling, laughing about how she gets on the phone with our relatives in Scotland to brag about me (apparently I have a cousin I've never met that I'm in stiff competition with). Then, she asked me something a little more serious: "Do you miss your dad?" I quickly replied "Nope!" (slight lie, I'm not a monster) and explained the reasons why, how I'm 'at peace', and my main point being that the indefinite end to our relationship is easier than the fighting and on-again-off-again relationship we had for years. She gave me a wise smile, nodded along with what I was saying, but her eyes looked sad for me. And so, because I'm bad with this kind of thing, I switched topics quickly and we went on with our visit.

We decided to take a routine trip to Indigo to get her a new book. We walked into the store with our arms linked, looking straight ahead, and I heard her begin to speak. She said the one thing she believes in most about our Christian faith is the power of forgiveness. I'm not a practicing Christian, but I don't think you need to be religious to consider the concept of forgiveness. I nodded and agreed, but I was confused. Did she want me to bring him back into my life? Even though she knew how hurt I was? In poor communication taste, I didn't ask her what she really meant; I just pointed at a shelf and yelled "What about that book!?"

Later on, I told my mum what grandma had said, because I was taking this very seriously. If my grandma truly wanted me to forgive my dad and let him back into my life, by god I was going to make sure she would see that happen. So I asked my mum if that's what she thinks my grandma wants. “No, that's not what she meant; she meant forgiveness can be a tool to find peace for oneself, sometimes the other person doesn't even have to know you've forgiven them,” she said. My grandma just wants to see me happy and for the emotional suffering to end, and she believes forgiveness is the key.

And well, hey, I am desperate so I took the time and energy to give this idea a shot.   

I realized a few things about resentment and anger, and how my lack of forgiveness negatively affects me: 

• These feelings I harbor are only hurting myself. I feel anger and sadness towards people who don't even have a clue, and likely wouldn't care if they did know. Why am I giving them so much of my energy and thoughts?

• These feelings are what keeps me living in the past (which is one of my 10 Un-healthiest Habits).

• These feelings make me callous, reserved, and scared to trust.

Could forgiveness actually solve these problems?

I've been working on forgiveness for a couple of months and, although I am not completely there yet, I understand how it will help me. So, I am making conscious efforts to move in that direction. I am doing so by practicing empathy towards my offenders, giving myself permission to move on without seeking full ‘revenge’, and understanding that justice doesn't always come in the form of ‘an eye for an eye’; sometimes justice is done by simply freeing yourself from a bad situation and leaving it behind completely.  

I just want to point out that I don't think forgiveness should be an automatic action. I believe in standing up for yourself, and letting the other person know what they've done wrong to you. But from there, any additional bad feelings you have will continue to break you down slowly; at least that's what they do to me. 

I also think this whole forgiveness idea is not the only answer for everyone. The last thing I want to do with this post is make someone feel as though they need to forgive someone they don't want to forgive or don't think they could ever forgive. Use your personal barometer to determine your willingness to forgive. I don't believe forgiveness is the universal tool for healing, but from what I have experienced so far I think it can at least be a stepping stone. 

Ultimately, we are all human and I've come to understand that, while we grow and learn with age and experience, we are never done making mistakes that hurt others. I'm a big observer, and one thing I've noticed about the people around me is that as we get older we just get better at creating our shell; the stuff that people see. But underneath that, we are all still learning, making hurtful mistakes, and are confused as hell. So be kind, empathetic, and patient with people. Even those that hurt you.  

But be careful, some people are just straight up sociopaths.. ;)

Lynn M.